soundtrack: Human, Goldfrapp

date: 4th Dec 2007

time: 17:00

How come I always appear so angsty in all my tests...

Joanna took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

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soundtrack: my sister snoring

date: 12th Sept 2007

time: 00:47

drinks: 3 vodka sprites & 1 tequila shot in 1 hour

mood: contemplative in the cab ride home (why is it always in cab rides home in the dead of the night that i get my epiphanies?)

it's only in stillness, in the silence, that you find yourself.

it seems to sad and contrite to me that people still judge you based on what you were an age, a decade ago. and how everything is so superficial, so contrite. we have all the forms and shapes in the world and they don't even ring hollow - they're filled with an overwhelming emptiness, a nothingness that's vacant, a silent, insidious vortex that threatens to turn us all into plastic veneers with chicklet teeth and wide eyed smiles.

and i think about the last time when i didn't care, when i was true because i didn't know any other way to be and i remember my sugar sunshine days and that particular passage i read almost a decade ago and the emotions and thoughts it stirred in me. i remember the stillness, that crystalline moment where time almost freezes and every nano second becomes that much more significant, imbued with gravitas and i see that moment, that picture in my mind, of a bird coming down to rest on a still, quiet lake and how those two images and its realities - one of the bird, the other of its reflection, coming to rest - where two different realities and truths converge into that single moment of truth and you see two distinct separate realities through both sides of the looking glass, touching and connecting and how these two separate realities suddenly become connected through that most random and minuscule of threads, and that moment slows down and just IS, and how we all know in our holy of holies, what we find, what we know is in that moment of stillness, in that moment of knowing, in that moment of reckoning - the truth.

and i think about our living in this sham, that which is our modern or post modern condition, and how we fight and rage to fill every single moment with feeling, with emotion with something, ANYTHING to do, how we must be consumed with the NOWNOWNOW and how it all seems so hollow, so meaningless, when all we fear is the truth, the knowing that stillness and quiet brings. when we have to face ourselves.

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soundtrack: mr brightside, the killers
date: 9th June 2007
time: 17:45

sometimes i think i'm just paying back for how happy i was in jc and in uni. that has to be the only reason why it still hurts after so long, just paying back what i owe.

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soundtrack: black bird, Joni Mitchell
date: 29th May 2007
time: 04:26

i'm broken

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soundtrack: ballade 4, Glover Gill
date: 11th Oct 2006
time: 18:22

Quick re-cap:

- have close to perfect eyesight now
- quit previous job
- working in advertising as clients' bitch
- insanely happy with work, to the point where i think i irritated everyone for my first 2 months
- it's been 3 mths and STILL happy :D
- less stressed and happier in general
- massive MASSIVE pay cut :(
- fefe has new gf
- found out that yes, i can morph into pyscho ex gf
- conspired to move out of house
- conspiracy FAILED big time
- renewed friendship with old acquiantence from JC
- striking up uncanny friendships with friends' older siblings. this is just too wrong on so many levels
- went for russell peters (bollywood porn! lesson learnt: do not try to be a smart ass with a comedian)
- new friends! more fun!
- looking for new wardrobe for work. current collection either waaaay too officey (read suits and tailored shirts) or waaaay too casual (read shorts & jeans)
- in search of the Perfect Blazer that Will Magickally Transform My Dowdy Outfit into Something Presentable
- slightly obsessed with glover gill and tango music
- have come out of the closet --> YES I HEART HIPHOP!!


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soundtrack: air conditioning in empty office

date: 13th April 2006
time: 19:06

My ex is my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and just be my fucking, bitchy self at work instead of being a yes man, correction, woman.

I love knowing that i can always find pleasure in creature comforts - a hot bath, soft sheets, clean clothes, comfy bed, alcohol.

I don't understand why can't people just give a bit more love all round.

I lose touch with myself, with reality, with life, the longer i stay in this shithole of a job.

People say all sorts of things that they don't mean and never mean, all the time.

Love is something which i cannot do without. i need to love and be loved.

Somewhere, someone is picking his nose, wiping his ass, smoking a fag, taking a break, living in the now.

I will always wonder what goes on inside guys' heads.

Forever is being trapped in eternity, which i guess can be a good thing, depending on where you're stuck at and who you're with.

I never want to be caught with my pants down, but it happens all the time.

I think the current US President needs more hugs and kisses from his mommy.

When I wake up in the morning i wish to gods it were saturday and then i reluctantly drag myself out of bed and REFUSE to think about the shitload of fuck that i have created for myself.

My past was brilliant, bright and full of promise.

I get annoyed when people don't pay attention to me when i expect them to. hello - i am alive and i won't go away just because you're pretending i'm not here, you know.

Parties are for having the time of your life, collecting embarassing stories and living.

My dog is going to be called kuching. and he will be big, mean and very fierce. to other pple. but always loyal to me.

My cat is going to be called anjing. and will be a sleek, beautiful goddess. she'll stalk my hallways and lie with me when i'm sad or lonely and keep out of my way when i'm drunk.

Kisses are the best when they are freely given for the first time. the anticipation of the first kiss really kills, when you learn how thick, how soft his lips are, and how the best kisses can keep you thinking about them for days on end, with you re-living each second.

Tomorrow is going to be a day closer to hell on monday.

I really want to be free. and to be loved and to love again.

I have low tolerance for complete and utter morons, especially morons who are more senior than i am, and morons who refuse to help when they're supposed to.

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soundtrack: business talk in the war room

date: 3rd April 2006
time: 11.48

april is the cruelest month. and i've just slept with prince ativan. thought i'd chronicle my exprience so that i can track the situation.

Observations
once consumed, laid down in the darkness and tried to sleep. about 10 mins to 20 mins later, felt this wave of languidness just flowing over me. tossed around a bit trying to fight it, then fell asleep.

dreams - not particularly vivid. i can't even remember them anymore. supposed to promote deep sleep but i don't feel extremely well rested or particularly well rested.i think uknowwhat works better for me. slept the best 11 hours of my life on that. i actully only woke up once only, during the night - quite near to my actual waking up time anyways. so i suppose that's good.

waking up: supposed to have a slight hang over effect. just seemed particularly groggy. not much worse than my usual. felt okay in the cab. just feel very mellow for the whole day. even up to now, at 11.51am after a cup of tea, feel very mellow and placid and a bit whoozy. wondering if this is from the side effect of the ativan.

more updates later in the afternoon. hopefully will be more wide awake then? or is this just due to monday blues? heh.

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sound track: amitoufou (?) chanting

date: 03/13/2006
time: 03:02

oh, snooping on unsuspecting broadband while keeping the graveyard shift at some void deck at tampines is truly a god sent.

have discovered some things during my short but rather intense stay here:
1) there's a little mom n pop ice lolly "shop" on the 3rd floor with plum, blueberry, strawberry and blackcurrent flavours - only 20 cents per pop.
2) my cousins are actually quite funny. we spent a good 20 mins loittering at the stairwells sucking popsicles. even challenged some ten year old into "let's see who can down the popsicle the fastest" for bragging rights.
3) void decks are dirty dirrrrty places. i'm covered in a layer of dust from head to toe. itching all over.
) 4) some pple actually take the no bathing thing seriously!!
anyways, will be stuck at mystery void deck till about 10 in the morning. the priest and the band will be arriving at 11am, so it'll be my first time seeing a traditional buddhist funeral. apparently this is already quite a "simple" affair, the children only have to sleep beside the coffin ONCE, even tho' they've been scampering around in the same clothes and without shoes for the last 5 days.

we'll be headed to bright hill temple (oh, how convenient) and after the cremation, we'll be fed some vegetarian lunch and we can collect the ashes at 2pm.

hopefully i'll have enough energy to go see kel sing. if not, will prolly have tui na and an early night. work awaits on tuesday. uuuuurgh.

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sound track: if u go away (Ne Me Quitte Pas) DJ Skymoo remix, Shirley Bassey

date: 03/10/2006
time: 00:43

he's gone. what kind of bad karma did my grandmother generate, what did she deserve to see this happen?

when my aunt hugged me and started sobbing, yr uncle's dead, he's dead... she just wouldn't let go. why is my grandmother being punished so? this kind, gentle, simple, strong and extremely independent old woman - this woman who had a thieving, drug addict, womanizer of a husband with one eye, who gave birth to my uncle with down syndrome, whose 3rd son became retarded after high fever, whose 4th son became disabled as they didn't have enough money to treat his polio, whose only "normal" son in body and mind, was taken away so brutely, so forecefully, so suddenly from her? it was only during chinese new year that all of us sat in her house, eating, drinking, talking. and now.

he's gone.

two deaths. one year.

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sound track: i shot the sherif by bob marley

date: 02/11/2006

time: 04:35

i have bathed, i have changed, i have packed. all i need to do is to put my laptop and my water bottle into my hand carried bag.

i can't believe i'll be away for two whole friggin' weeks. and i can't believe i forgot to take my dress - it's still at the tailor's. shuyin - help! will sms you abt the dress, see whether you can bring it with you to vancouver? pwetty please?

strangely enough, a part of me is reluctant to leave - god knows why. took me two whole months before i could gain that sort of crazy momentum again cos of the last pseudo break i took in oct. and now i'll be off for two whole weeks while my poor parter will attempt to handle public sector by herself. i hope she'll do fine. i tell myself it's only two weeks, she's a pro-hire and a smart person at that, she'll do better than fine.

and oddly enough, no money changer in orchard has canadian dollars! so looks like i'll have to change at the airport - jeeeeeeez. can't wait to get to vancouver! whistler mountains? snowboarding? skiing? chilling? being there for a very special friend? i just can't wait.

am dead tired now. can't think straight and still sending out emails with follow-up action cos of my absence. another hour and a half to go before we leave the hour to hit the airport.

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